F#ck your inner critic. Be kind to yourself.
+ Erykah Badu on dealing with anxiety | The anti-hotflash nightgown
How to quiet your inner critic and be kind to yourself
This is an exclusive excerpt from “Conquer Your Inner Critic,” a chapter of the book Stop Waiting for Perfect by L’Oreal Thompson Payton
Have you heard the way you talk to yourself? Like, have you paused a beat to really listen to the inner monologue that runs through your head day in and day out? Chances are, if you’re like most people—if you’re like me—it isn’t very kind, which is too bad considering the voice we listen to most frequently is our own.
During my second-ever therapy session, my therapist noted, “What I’m hearing is that you’re not very kind to yourself.” I was taken aback. I’m a big sister, former cheerleader, and semi-professional hype woman; pep talks are my jam! What do you mean I’m not kind to myself? I was offended, but I had to admit she had a point.
Try as I might to silence my inner critic (aka Negative Nancy), she was pervasive. And she was especially loud and awfully critical when I started the new communications director job I mentioned earlier. In fact, she had a bad habit of showing up during most of my big life events and transitions. And her message was loud and clear: What are you doing? Nancy would ask. You can’t do this. You don’t know what you’re doing!
In early 2018, as I started my fancy new nonprofit job with my fancy new director title, Nancy was especially loud and I was feeling wayyy out of my league. I mean, I’d just switched from full-time journalism to nonprofits only three years prior; surely I wasn’t qualified to be leading a communications strategy for a national organization. Maybe Nancy was right. Maybe I didn’t really know what I was doing. Maybe I didn’t have what it takes.
I’m far from alone when it comes to feeling like a fraud at work. According to the International Journal of Behavioral Science, nearly 70 percent of people experience self-doubt at work. And if you think that impostor syndrome disproportionately affects women, then you’re correct. In that same study, researchers found that 40 percent of women feel intimidated by senior staff members, compared to 22 percent of men.
My friend Taylor Morrison, author and founder of Inner Workout, a self-care support system, has also admitted to feeling like a fraud in new situations. “I know I’m smart and I have things to offer, but I find myself shutting down [when faced with imposter syndrome],” she said. “Then you get to the part where I run a company and we’re selling to other companies, and I find myself feeling like this was a fluke. My default can be, ‘Oh, that was terrible,’ until the client shares feedback that it was amazing. There’s still a piece of me that doesn’t believe I’m as good at what I do as I actually am.”
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Erykah Badu on dealing with anxiety
This is a slice of Rachel Martin’s conversation on Wildcard
RACHEL MARTIN: How did "Out of My Mind, Just In Time" help you deal with anxiety?
ERYKAH BADU: A belief I had to let go of is that I have to entertain the thoughts that come to my mind. I learned that I could change the thought.
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