Afraid your life is ordinary? You might have koinophobia
Midlife stresses can make us feel like we're not doing enough of anything, but we can learn to spot the extraordinary all around
Normal. Mediocre. Unremarkable. Are these words you’d use to describe your life, or have you spent a lifetime trying to ensure your life is anything but mundane?
If so, you may experience Koinophobia, or “the fear of being ordinary”. Coined by the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, Koinophobia can manifest as a fascination with status, adventure, and recognition, and can encourage you to shun seemingly ordinary things, like working a run-of-the-mill 9-5, or settling down in your hometown.
Koinophobia is driven by fear: fear that you won’t leave your mark on the world, fear that you aren’t living life to its fullest, and — worst of all — the fear that you are distinctly average.
Koinophobia can strike at any age, but you might feel it more keenly once you enter midlife. This stage can signal the opening and closing of chapters —your kids flying the nest, the start of menopause, or divorce — and so it often becomes a time for reflection.
It’s also, give or take a few years, the halfway point of your life, so it’s normal to look back on the years that have passed, and gaze forward at the future.
It’s possible that all of this evaluation might leave you a little unsatisfied. Perhaps you think your life has been a little flat, and you’ve spent your days seeking stability rather than adventure. (There’s nothing wrong with that, FYI.) Or maybe you’ve realized that time is ticking by, and you don’t want to reach the end of your life with regrets.
“The notion of ‘having it all’ could inadvertently suggest that living an ordinary or average life is somehow a failure, amplifying feelings akin to Koinophobia.” — Heather Darwall-Smith
We live in a YOLO culture, bombarded with messages encouraging us to seize the day, every day. You might worry that you haven’t done quite enough seizing, opting instead to conform to what is normal and expected of you.
Psychotherapist Heather Darwall-Smith says that experiencing Koinopobia in midlife is comparable to a midlife crisis. She points to the pervasive idea that women can “have it all” as one reason that so many of us feel dissatisfied.
“While this concept is empowering, it also brings pressure,” she says. “The notion of ‘having it all’ could inadvertently suggest that living an ordinary or average life is somehow a failure, amplifying feelings akin to Koinophobia.”
Social media certainly hasn’t helped matters. Log on to any platform and you’ll likely see at least one person flying first class to a far-flung destination or reaching impossible heights in business and career — or both! For women in midlife, Heather says the potential for comparison is huge, and the fear that one’s achievements or life experiences don’t stand out is at the heart of Koinophobia.
“This may be intertwined with self-worth if you live in a state of constant comparison with others, leading to feelings of inadequacy or diminished self-worth,” she explains.
Finding the extraordinary in the everyday
Nicki Bass, a 48-year-old business psychologist and veteran, knows well the fear of being ordinary.
“I have always lived a pretty adventurous life and I very much tied that to my sense of identity,” she says. “However, when my children (now 10 and 12) arrived, I found I could not be spontaneous and go on adventures in the same way due to work and family commitments. I found I was looking at friends' adventures and feeling like I was missing out, even though I loved my family and was broadly happy.”
Inspiration from the way her children viewed the world made the biggest difference for Nicki.
“I started looking at everything I did as an adventure – noticing the changing seasons, taking different routes on my dog walks, trying new clubs, and learning new skills. I focused on the concept of everyday adventures and I credit this for no longer feeling bored or frustrated by everyday life,” she says.
This new outlook proved so successful in kicking Nicki’s fear of being ordinary that she completed a 28 Days Of Everyday Adventures challenge during the UK’s COVID lockdown, started The Everyday Adventure podcast, and delivered a TEDx Talk on the life-changing magic of everyday adventures.
So, what can you do if you fear being ordinary? You might not even be aware that you’re under the influence of Koinophobia, but at some point or another, you may worry that you haven’t done enough with your life. The good news is that it’s totally possible to reframe this way of thinking.
Heather advises reflecting on different aspects of your life — personal achievements, relationships, hobbies, career, personal growth — and thinking about what you consider “extraordinary” and “ordinary” in each category. Grab a pen and paper and make a column for each to help you organize your thoughts.
“Look back on these lists and recognize that life is a blend of both columns. While extraordinary moments can bring excitement and pride, ordinary moments often bring comfort, consistency, and grounding,” Heather says.
“I focused on the concept of everyday adventures and I credit this for no longer feeling bored or frustrated by everyday life.” — Nicki Bass
The aspects of life that you might consider dull are important for your mental health too. We need a certain amount of predictability and stability to feel grounded and calm.
If you still aren’t feeling fulfilled after this exercise, Heather encourages you to identify if there are any areas in your “ordinary” column that you'd like to elevate to “extraordinary” status, asking yourself “How can I transform or build upon these experiences?”
For Nicki, the trick is recognizing that the opportunity for adventure exists all around you. You don’t even need to leave the house if you don’t want to. She believes in the power of tiny tweaks to your routine — take a different path on your walk, switch up your regular coffee order, or try a new class at the gym.
“All of these adventures start to add up and will help you feel braver for bigger adventures,” she says. “Make sure you recognize that these small changes really do count.”
Whether it’s the blazing orange sunset on a summer’s day, laughing until your stomach hurts with an old friend, or even losing yourself in the pages of a good book, there’s joy to be found in the seemingly ordinary and mundane. Look a little closer and you might just find the extraordinary moments all around you.
You might also enjoy this on The Midst:
At what age are we happiest and unhappiest?
Burned out from the grown-up grind? Try kidulting
Want to boost creativity, happiness & connection? Hit the road
Victoria Stokes is an Irish mental health and wellbeing writer with a decade of experience in online and print media. She regularly contributes to publications such as Happiful, Health & Wellbeing, and Healthline. A former magazine editor, she now works freelance — a role that involves ingesting far too much caffeine while juggling many writing projects. When she’s not working on her next story, you’ll usually find her with her nose in a good book.
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Just love this idea of daily adventures... I work with women in midlife and so often I see the joy has been squeezed out of their lives as they’ve been so busy being so many things to so many people for so long they’ve lost track of themselves. And so reconnecting to themselves .. remembering the little and big things that makes them happy (the adventures) is so important. Love this!
Great piece!