People pleasing is blocking who you really are
Tired of putting others first? Learn how to stop being a people pleaser and start prioritizing yourself — in midlife and beyond.
How to stop being a people pleaser
Real advice from therapists and women who’ve been there, done that
I used to think being nice and liked by everyone was my superpower. I’d try to smooth over tension before it surfaced and anticipate other people’s needs before they voiced them. It made me a reliable employee, a “low-maintenance” friend, and sometimes even the family mediator. But I felt exhausted, resentful, and weirdly disconnected from myself.
Like many women, I scored high on agreeableness without ever taking the test. Turns out, women consistently rank higher than men on both agreeableness and neuroticism in the Five Factor Model of personality. These traits don’t mean there’s something wrong with us; they just mean we tend to be more adaptive.
But in midlife, especially as more of us trade in our corporate titles for solopreneur ones, while also caring for our families and hopefully exploring our hobbies and interests, we’re starting to see how this pattern (saying yes when we mean no and prioritizing everyone but ourselves) holds us back.
In the age of AI, boundary-less hustle, and working for ourselves, unlearning people-pleasing isn’t just about personal growth; it’s about building a sustainable and healthy lifestyle that works for you.
If you’re here because you’ve hit your breaking point, or you're quietly wondering why you feel so stretched and still not enough, you're not alone. That’s why I turned to two licensed therapists and a real-life former people-pleaser to uncover what people-pleasing costs us, why it’s so deeply ingrained, and how we can finally stop doing it.
Why is people-pleasing so damn common (especially for women)?
According to Kate Engler, couples and sex therapist, there are no biological markers that make women more prone to people-pleasing than men. But because women are socialized to be the caretakers of relationships and attentive to the emotional well-being of those around them, they often fall prey to this practice.
Many of us were raised to be agreeable and accommodating, praised for being the “good girl” or “team player,” especially in male-dominated spaces. “This is exacerbated by the social, emotional, relational consequences women face when they aren’t ‘pleasing' to others,” Kate says. “It feels a bit cliché to say this at this point, but sadly it’s still true.”
Adam Grant, the popular organizational psychologist, researcher, and Wharton professor, writes in the New York Times about how women must use “weak language” to get recognition, raises, etc., and that we’re penalized if we use the same “strong language” as men. While the article isn’t solely about people-pleasing, Kate Engler brings to our attention that it is all part of the same, bigger issue.
“As women, we are conditioned to people-please from a young age, says Sarah D. Rees, CBT therapist and founder of the Therapists Corner community. “We are rewarded for being helpful, agreeable, and putting others first. There’s not a problem with being kind or considerate, but when it becomes automatic and at the expense of our own needs, it can quietly take a toll.”
It’s also important to recognize who we’re trying to please and why. “Men can be just as much of people pleasers as women, possibly more so in groups of other men,” says Kate Engler. “The book Good Guys: How Men Can Be Better Allies for Women in the Workplace talks about how men will not go up against other men and contradict them, particularly in a group of men, and when they perceive men in the group to have more power than they do. I also see a lot of men in mixed-gender couples ‘people-pleasing’ their wives as a way to avoid conflict.”
Do we learn to please or are we born this way?
Some of us are naturally more empathetic; we pick up on moods, tension, and unspoken needs. But for most people-pleasers, the behavior isn’t hardwired; it’s learned.
“I’m a Gen X woman raised by Scandinavian Lutherans in the Midwest, so I’m pretty sure people-pleasing was either encoded in our DNA or served up in our baby food puree,” says Steph Sprenger, writer, podcaster, and former self-described people-pleaser.
“I was the undiagnosed ADHD good girl — overachieving, masking, and desperate to be liked by teachers. Any criticism by an adult felt like death. We were raised to put others’ comfort first, never talk too loudly, and not to be selfish. I complied with those rules since childhood.”
We realize early that being helpful or agreeable earns praise, approval, and means fewer problems. So we keep doing it. “People pleasing starts early for some,” says Sarah D. Rees. “Especially if we grew up in environments where being ourselves didn’t feel entirely safe or accepted.”
“To some degree, we have people-pleasing tendencies built into our wiring,” says Kate. “Babies need their caregivers to survive, so there are mechanisms in place to ensure those people stay interested and connected (e.g., part of babies’ early smiles are to ensure positive responses from caregivers and help solidify attachment).”
However, Kate explains that the majority of our people-pleasing is learned. As kids, we learn that we need to do things to please our caregivers and the people around us. For example, when a toddler does something that makes people clap or laugh, they will do it repeatedly. “We also learn what is displeasing to others through social, emotional, and physical consequences, and then change our behaviors to address those things,” says Kate. “This happens at both the personal and societal or cultural level.”
What’s so bad about being nice? (The hidden cost of people-pleasing)
Chronic people-pleasing can lead to stress, resentment, and suppressed anger, but being nice isn’t the problem. It’s when “nice” comes at the expense of your time, energy, or truth that it starts to wear you down. “When we get busy with everyone else's needs, we start to lose touch with our own needs and identity,” says Sarah.
Kate explains that if you lose the ability to know what you want and what’s good for you, the risk of pushing yourself too far — physically, emotionally, and mentally — is very high.
“Over time, you can become disconnected from yourself and your identity,” says Kate. “After years of dancing as fast as they can to meet the needs, wants, and desires of other people, many people I work with have no idea what they like, care about, or want for themselves.”
“After years of dancing as fast as they can to meet the needs, wants, and desires of other people, many people I work with have no idea what they like, care about, or want for themselves.”
— Kate Engler, couples therapist and owner of Three Points
Relationships
It can even feel disorienting and is often the root of burnout. “It’s simply not sustainable,” says Kate. “One person cannot please everyone who is in their orbit, even if you try, largely because what pleases them has almost nothing to do with you; it’s about their own shit.”
How to stop being a people pleaser: 6 tips
In midlife, many women start to feel the toll of people-pleasing. You’ve spent years saying yes at work, smoothing things over in relationships, or taking on caregiving responsibilities. Somewhere along the way, your boundaries got fuzzy. Your needs got quieter. And your sense of self might have become a little blurrier than you’d like. Reclaiming that clarity starts with asking: Who am I when I’m not trying to please everyone?
Whether you’re working on creating boundaries at home or in your professional life, for example, converting from an employee to a solopreneur and needing to unlearn pleasing your boss for the sake of getting ahead, here’s a list of ways to get started.
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