Exclusive excerpt of "Sisterhood Heals" by Dr. Joy Harden Bradford
PLUS: What happens when Stacy London and some of the biggest names in menopause hang in NYC?
Saying nothing doesn’t work: How to help a grieving friend
Just for Midst readers: “Attending to a friend’s grief,” an excerpt of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community
By Dr. Joy Harden Bradford
If our circle exists for long enough, there will undoubtedly be a time when the group is focused on supporting someone through the loss of a loved one. When that happens, it can be hard to know what to do or say, and the mistake we often make is not saying or doing anything. We worry that asking about the deceased loved one will only make the memories more painful and instead choose to avoid these conversations. Oftentimes there is nothing further from the truth. Asking a friend to share memories and stories about their loved one can be comforting and sends the message that you understand how important this person was to them and that you are holding space for them to remember.
Sisterhood Heals (Ballantine) by Joy Harden Bradford
Understanding that we all grieve differently is key. Some people isolate and want solitude while others throw themselves into a project. This is especially important when discussing Black women because we’ve not historically been given space to be sad and grieve, so your sister might find herself doing the thing that comes naturally—throwing herself into work or a new project. And while some level of distraction may help to manage the intensity of grief, it might also prevent her from tending to herself in the way that is needed following a loss. I invite us as friends of someone grieving not to be fooled by this performance of okayness and to be gentle but intentional about helping our Sis make space for her grief. In addition to that intentionality, here are a few other things to consider:
She may not know what she needs.
Many times, our go-to when someone is grieving is to say “let me know what you need.” But the truth is that grieving people often don’t know what they need. As much as possible, the circle should try to anticipate some of her needs. Prep or deliver meals to make sure she has food. Go over to the house and wash dishes or a load of clothes. Offer to help her make arrangements, if necessary. Be there to let her cry or offer to sleep over so that she’s not alone at night if she lives by herself.Attend the services.
Funerals and other memorials can be very uncomfortable to attend, but if at all possible, try to be there. Friends often see this as a very concrete way of your being there during a time when they needed it most. If you can’t be in attendance, see if it’s possible to send a flower arrangement or offer to help with the repast if one is scheduled.Don’t assume she’s not still grieving in six weeks or six months.
Many bereaved people have commented that they find the months after a funeral or memorial service the most difficult because they often feel forgotten. Many of the house visits and meal offers have stopped and they are alone with their thoughts. Be intentional about showing up after all the activity has come to a stop. Put reminders on your calendar to check in and make a note to remember the death anniversary as this will likely be a difficult time of the year for her. It would be great for the circle to offer a little extra care and support as the anniversary gets closer.
What happens when Stacy London and some of the biggest names in menopause get together in NYC?
By Dixie Laite
It can be daunting making your way through the maze of elevators at the World Trade Center Building, especially when you’ll need to switch elevators to get to the Sky Lounge on the 74th floor. Roaming around, hoping I won’t have to be the feeble old lady asking the security guard for help, I suddenly saw a group of women and I knew I’d found my way. But it wasn’t until I was in the elevator I realized I’d found something even better – my tribe. Think about it, when was the last time you were in a crowded elevator completely surrounded by confident, stylish, sophisticated women over 50?
When I got to the sign-in table for the Marvelous Mrs. Menopause event hosted by Let’s Talk Menopause on October 4, it wasn’t the spectacular Manhattan view that surrounded the lounge that stunned me. Here I was in a room surrounded by all women, all over 40 (some of us, ahem, over 60). To most businesses, scientific studies, magazines – and let’s face it, men – women my age are invisible. And when something makes me un-invisible, if a stranger compliments my hair or outfit and then hears my age, they always say, “You don’t look 61!” But the truth is, I DO. And here I was in a room filled with older women like me — women who were smart, curious, courageous, joyful, angry, and I’m betting we all had pedicures.
We may receive commissions from some of the product links. All products and services are reviewed independently by our writers.