What happens when an award-winning author and TEDx speaker comes out at 50?
Terri Trespicio kicks off our new series, "Change Is The Only Constant"
My biggest life change: I came out
Was this out of the clear blue? No. Had I dated men my whole life? Yes. Had I had crushes on women? Also yes. And while gay is not a choice, the choices I’ve made in the past year have most certainly changed my life and how I feel about it.
Those choices were pretty bold: Switching my online dating search exclusively to women, meeting up with a woman, sleeping with that woman, and dating that woman. What followed was not just a total awakening (though that relationship arc crashed rather quickly), but a shift in how I saw myself, and the thrill of entering a new community that I’d previously thought was off limits to me.
At 50 years old, I thought I knew myself about as well as anyone could. Turns out, there was a lot more to know.
To be sure, the act of upending your romantic and sexual life is no small thing. What I didn’t expect was how it would change the way I move through the world — even move through a room. I get compliments I never used to get, and I know it’s not the jacket or the necklace. As my friend Jenn said, “You’re giving off a whole new vibe.”
As a public speaker and writer who’s built a business helping people tap into their own unique voices, I believe that stronger communication isn’t learning “how” to say a thing necessarily. It’s about clearing the signal so the real you can emerge. Because there’s so much static on the line! Fear of messing up or being criticized. The desire to be liked, and loved.
The only way to get a clearer signal is to tune out some of the things you’ve been told and sold — about who you are, and what your life should look like — and dial up the part you want to hear. And to follow that energy, because that’s where your power lies.
You don’t have to come out to experience this. It does require, however, that you make decisions based on a new metric — one that’s not fully oriented around other people’s agendas or their ideas about you. I’ve found few things more freeing. And there it was, in plain sight, this whole time, a choice waiting to be made.
Recently I read a piece on Substack by a woman named Tamara about erotic decisions — which aren’t strictly sexual, but rather, the choices you make that excite, expand, and transform you. The ones that require that you be “willing to lose the self you were, for the self that might be born in the act of choosing.”
This is precisely how I felt — that it was the choice itself, to lean into this part of me, to truly live it, that was in fact, making me feel like a different person, and yet at the same time more like myself.
Terri Trespicio is a speaker, writer, brand advisor, and the author of Unfollow Your Passion whose TEDx talk has more than 8 million views. She’s also the founder of The New Rules Studio, a live, real-time writing experience. More at territrespicio.com/studio.
Read more about Terri’s coming out experience on CUP OF JO.
This is the first edition of our new series, “Change Is The Only Constant,” which — you guessed it — is about embracing change.
Have you made a big change in your life? We’d love to hear from you. Share your experience in comments or pitch your story to amy@the-midst.com.
Why ‘get out of your comfort zone’ isn’t always helpful advice
I prefer to be warm. And dry. I like soft, flexible fabrics, ergonomic office chairs, and having my groceries delivered. I don’t aspire to roam the wilderness alone, explore sea caves, or leap from a bridge with a rope around my ankle. I’ll go out of my way not to get wet, or hurt, or yelled at.
In short, I like to be comfortable. I prioritize it, in fact.
And yet, we’re told, quite often, that we should be aiming for discomfort instead. Don’t tell me you haven’t come across a mug, a shirt, or an embroidered pillow that says “Life begins where your comfort zone ends.” A life coach, a podcaster, a Peloton instructor, someone, has told you that you not only need to leave the comfort zone, but in fact seek discomfort.
How curiosity can help you get unstuck
You’ve probably heard the advice that if you want success, find your passion and stick with it forever. Except this isn’t how it happens for most people. In her new book, Unfollow Your Passion: How to Create a Life that Matters to You, author Terri Trespicio takes on this platitude and serves up fresh takes on passion and purpose, life and work.
In this excerpt from chapter six of Unfollow Your Passion, titled “It’s not a sin to get wickedly curious,” Terri invites us to get our wheels turning.
If you’re a woman, chances are good you’ve been schooled, scared, threatened, and cajoled into staying where you are, regardless of whether your parents let you go to sleepaway camp or spend a year abroad. Ask a man why he’s frustrated and he may say he’s not getting what or where he needs to fast enough. Ask a woman why she’s frustrated and she’ll tell you she feels…stuck.
Women talk all the time about how they’re stuck — in their work, their relationships, their lives. And they often blame themselves — for being lazy or indecisive or not motivated enough. Are women prone to getting stuck? Is it a design flaw? No. This phenomenon points to the friction between wanting to move and being afraid to. And gee, I wonder why! If we weren’t flat out beaten, beheaded, or burned at the stake for attempting to leave throughout all of human history, we were gaslit into madness, coddled, and kept close, told that to step out was to be unsafe, unwise, or unkind.
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