The lasting power of gratitude, and a project to make it happen
An excerpt of Nancy Davis Kho's The Thank You Project that comes down to three simple steps, done repeatedly: see, say, savor.
This is an excerpt of The Thank You Project by Nancy Davis Kho, with a new introduction by the author.
By Nancy Davis Kho
Back in 2016 when I began writing a weekly gratitude letter for what I would eventually call my “Thank-You Project”, the list of things I failed to anticipate was lengthy. I didn’t understand that writing a letter to someone thanking them for how they had helped, shaped, or inspired me during my fifty years would make me sleep better, feel more ease, provide me more optimism. I didn’t realize that each time I wrote one of those letters, it got easier to think of other people in my life to whom thanks were owed: the owner of my favorite bookstore who never steers me wrong, and a friendly girl I hadn’t seen in 40 years, who had thrown me a social lifeline in 1988 when I lived in Germany and was beyond lonely.
And I certainly didn’t think that seven years after writing those letters, and four years after publishing The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time to give others a blueprint to do the same, I would still be reaping the benefits.
Thanks to all those thank-you letters — which I continue to write periodically, if not weekly these days — I am a ninja at seeing the good stuff buried beneath the dreck. I am confident about sharing my gratitude to those around me, because I understand so many of us long for simple validation and connection. And when someone expresses gratitude to me, I make a point of letting it soak in so I don’t miss a drop of the benefits. The science of gratitude that I researched in writing The Thank-You Project was hard to ignore, as the following excerpt shows.
It turns out that the restorative power of deliberate gratitude, the delight that comes from knowing you will make someone’s day when they read your words, the recognition that you—yes, you—are supported and loved as you make your way through the challenges of the world is a heady tonic.
But don’t take my word for it. There’s a growing body of science that has quantified the psychological and physiological benefits of gratitude and its direct correlation to levels of happiness.
Understanding that many of the sources of happiness in your own life are outside of your direct dominion and acknowledging from whence that goodness springs are crucial ingredients in the gratitude recipe.
Let’s start with a definition of gratitude, courtesy of Dr. Robert A. Emmons, a professor of psychology at the University of California–Davis, and one of the world’s leading experts on the subject. In his 2007 book, Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier, Dr. Emmons defines two components of gratitude. “First, gratitude is the acknowledgment of goodness in one’s life.” It is the positive affirmation of the people, places, and things that make our lives worthwhile. The second component, he writes, is figuring out where that goodness comes from. “Gratitude is recognizing that the source(s) of this goodness lie at least partially outside the self.” Understanding that many of the sources of happiness in your own life are outside of your direct dominion and acknowledging from whence that goodness springs are crucial ingredients in the gratitude recipe.
Research published in 2015 in Frontiers in Psychology found that an ongoing practice of gratitude basically rewires our brains to reward us for the positive perceptions we have of the people around us. That begets more gratitude and “elevation,” a lovely scientific term defined in a 2000 article by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt as “a warm or glowing feeling in the chest [that] makes people want to become morally better themselves.” Pour me some elevation, barkeep, and make it a double!
Dr. Christine Carter, sociologist and senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at University of California–Berkeley, which studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being, says, “All of our emotions serve different functions. We can say, in broad strokes, that negative emotions like fear and anger are more fight-or-flight-related and can trigger things like increased heart rate, accelerated breathing, and muscle tension. The positive emotions, on the other hand, reset the nervous system.”
Dr. Carter points out that when it comes to stress in the modern world, our bodies don’t do a great job of differentiating between lion attack and heavy rush-hour traffic; we experience both as threats, and our bodies and minds bear the prolonged strain. But even small expressions of gratitude can have a restorative effect.
“In today’s world, where so many people feel stressed all the time, expressing gratitude is a highly functional way to get ourselves back to a neutral place,” says Dr. Carter. Sociologists at the Center have identified myriad physical health benefits that accrue as a result of the regular practice of gratitude, from better sleep to more energy to improved asthma control. To put it more bluntly, Dr. Carter says, “if you could sell gratitude as a pill, you’d be very wealthy.”
The good news is that writing a “gratitude letter” is one of the most common prescriptions from all those scientists and researchers for people looking for a way to elevate gratitude levels in their everyday lives. In fact, that’s often how happiness scientists test their theories: they have the experimental group write a letter expressing appreciation to someone to goose their gratitude levels, while the control group is, I suppose, denied access to stationery. Just think: you can replicate the studies, only without that pesky MRI!”
Despite its profound impact, the Thank-You Project comes down to three simple steps, done repeatedly: see, say, savor.
Despite its profound impact, the Thank-You Project comes down to three simple steps, done repeatedly: see, say, savor. See the people, places, and things that make your life richer. Say something to acknowledge your good fortune in your letters. And, by keeping copies of the letters to reread, savor the generosity and support that surrounds you.”
I hope that in this season of gratitude, you’ll take a moment to see, say, and savor your way to a moment of calm and connection with the people you love most.
Nancy Davis Kho is a speaker, author, and podcaster whose work has appeared in the Washington Post, San Francisco Chronicle, and NPR affiliate KQED. She is author of THE THANK-YOU PROJECT: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time (Running Press). From 2016 through 2021, Nancy covered “the years between being hip and breaking one” on the Midlife Mixtape Podcast, still available on all major podcast platforms. The Midlife Mixtape Podcast won a 2020 Iris Award as Podcast of the Year and was included in Wall Street Journal’s list of 8 Podcasts for Anyone Nervously Facing Retirement. More at www.DavisKho.com.
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